This is the story of my happy pills. Not sure that I'll even publish this post yet...but wanted to get it out there in writing. Guess if you're reading this, I gave in.
I've always wanted to be a Mom. I used to spend hours when I was little oohing and ahhing over the JC Penneys Catalog, deciding what I needed to purchase when I had my baby. You would think a 6 year old would have better things to do...Anyway, Kyle and I started trying to conceive about a year after we were married, with no luck. In fact, when I went off birth control, it totally screwed with my hormones, and I quit punctuating all together. Ok, I know-TMI. Needless to say, my body was not cooperating in the baby making progress and I was probably already chemically imbalanced at this point.
Then we moved back to Tennessee and were busy getting settled in to new life here. Apparently my body likes Tennessee better than Texas because "things" turned back "on" and whaddya know? A few months later I am holding 6 positive pregnancy tests. Ok, I lie. I didn't hold all 6 at once-but I did take 6 to believe it! We were so overjoyed, and understood that God's timing was best and we were so thankful that we were close to our families when this miracle was to enter our lives.
And then the fun came. And came and came. Remember how I had issues with hormones? Yeah, apparently the new baby hormones didn't agree with my body too much and I got sick. No, not morning sickness. All day, 9 months sickness. I tried very hard to be a happy (and grateful) pregnant person, but it was so hard when I spent most of my free time barfing. It eventually got so bad that I was hospitalized for fluids and started taking Zofran 3 times a day to ease the quese.
When Zachary was born, I finally quit puking-hah!-but I was very overwhelmed emotionally. As you will remember I mentioned here that the day I told my parents we were expecting, I also received some upsetting news about my Moms health. Then a month before Zachary came, Kyle graduated the Police Academy and we moved out of our apartment into a house (in the same week) meanwhile I was beginning a new job which I would be working part-time. Not just a new job, a new career. Same for Kyle, too. It was all a lot for me to take in, especially adjusting to a newborn at home on my own in the evenings while Kyle was at work.
I don't really know when it started getting bad. Obviously long before I realized it. But with Kyle's schedule, I didn't see him much and when I did, we were always tired. You'll remember our months of not sleeping here and here and I probably would've blogged about it more, but I was too tired to! Anyway, between sleep deprivation, not seeing my husband much, working part-time, nursing full-time, and all the life changes, I was quickly becoming depressed. They say when you get the "baby blues" if you're not feeling better by about 2 weeks of settling back at home to call your doctor. Well, I was fine during that time. I'd even re-read Brooke Sheilds book "Down Came the Rain" about her journey through post-partum depression. (I highly recommend it, too-great read!) But I think mine really started to come together sometime after Christmas (I don't know...maybe Kyle would disagree?) Anyway, I didn't feel a need to see my doctor after Zachary was born, suffice it to say.
Maybe it was around March when Kyle started asking me to go talk to my doctor, and see if he could help. I was very stubborn and embarrassed to do this (yes, I admit it!) and didn't call at first. I knew I was sad, but mainly because I felt so isolated, especially in the evenings because I was still not used to being on my own like that. I just really didn't see how taking medicine could replace adult conversation.
After we finally got Zachary sleeping through the night again, I was still feeling sad and so I reconsidered Kyle's offer to call and we made an appointment for the day before my birthday, also known as My Inbetween Day. We talked with my doctor and agreed that I was probably just dealing with all the big changes, especially the lack of adult converastion in my life, and he put me on a low-dosage of anti-depressants. Since then, Zachary has been sleeping well, Kyle's shift got changed to where he goes in later, so he is home longer and off every other weekend (which means I see him more) and I've gotten involved in some activities with Zachary and made some new friends around here. In other words, it's working and I'm happy.
Some days I think that if we lived in a small town like Henderson, it'd be easier to make friends and not feel as lonely in such a tight-knit, Christian atmosphere. I mean, my college years were some of the best of my life. But I'm also very happy we are in Chattanooga to stay, and that Zachary will grow up having a "hometown," something I am still trying to get the grasp of...but that's another blog in and of itself!